This has been an interesting week. I have had many opportunities to get back up and try again. I feel like I haven't had to face these feelings, at least this strong, for a while.
I have a lot of really important things I am working on and skills I am learning that are taking a lot of work. There were times this week where I felt complete defeat, and actually believed the lie that I couldn't do it. I couldn't keep up with the pressure and amount of growth happening and required of me. I would feel overwhelmed and sit and do, nothing. But then had to straighten out my thoughts and get up and try again.
I think my feeling of defeat comes for a couple reasons.
One, and I think the main one, is that I'm really catching fire in these areas and making awesome things happen. I am pushing through so many fears and excuses. 'Fruit' and results are well on it's way. So there is a lot of resistance and forces trying to stop me.
Two, (And I learned this today) That my mind gets running with ideas and sets more expectations and tasks that are not actually required of me. So of course I can't live up to them, or feel stressed because of them, for I am taking more than I am given to accomplish. And what I mean by that is this: I truly believe God has a purpose for each and every person in this world. I believe that if we listen, He will mold us, prepare us, and teach us to become something great in His eyes, whatever that may be. I have learned over time to discern what comes into my sphere and to go with the flow of what is presented, and for me to learn. This has taken A LOT of trial and error, but I can say I'm flowing now and trust in the process. Now, side note: Flow does not mean it's 'free-flowin-easy'. No…. this flow is freaking challenging and stretching me. Probably requiring more of me than any time in my life. There are moments when I feel on top of the world, and others I don't know how the heck I'm suppose to do what's required of me. Its freaking irritating, frustrating, discouraging and at times I feel like a complete failure seeing all that is falling short, even with all I can do. Which brings me to my next point.
Three, I stop counting my sprouts. Sprouts meaning my progress. The tiny little things I do daily towards a goal. The problem is, sometimes I left my mind slip into seeing the 2 bad/negative/sloppy/non-perfect things in the day and am blind to the 40 others that I ROCKED. It is a pile of poooey to think that way! But this really catches me up, a lot. Now I'm sure it's human nature to be accustomed to seeing your faults, but it's one thing to see them, condemn yourself and let it throw you into sadness and defeat. And another to see the positive/great things in your life FIRST but also be wise enough to notice your faults and adjust your next day to hopefully be better than you were yesterday. I also think one of my biggest struggles is life is never consistent. Especially with having a child, who is a wonderful gift and joy, but is a highly uncontrollable element. So things are constantly 'on the adjust'. And I, by the moment, am having to use creativity to figure out how I can still get the important things taken care of while still working on enjoying the moment and remaining in peace…………… I would put a lot more dots after that statement, and it's moment of silence, but I will move on.. ha ;) Anyway, It's been crazy. I have to constantly work on daily preparation and think of anything possible I can do today and not save for tomorrow or do earlier instead of later. ex: Picking out my outfits/jewelry the night before, getting ready for bed oober early, making hubby lunches the day before, planning my tasks/timelines for the next day, brainstorming how I can adjust something if things don't go as planned, meal planning, delegating, hiring help, did I mention planning?? ha You name it. ha I'm exhausting all I know and can, to try to balance things. I'm up for the challenge, but I'm sure this is ONLY the beginning…. ;)
But, you know why I do these things? You know why I push against the grain and put all my soul into creating something beautiful? Because I am a Dreamer. I believe there is more. That the things that are important to me, are possible. So I'm willing to work for it. I have to. It's a piece of me.
So, As I put my sweet baby to bed tonight, and after having a day of struggling if what I was doing was worth it. I got up and did a handful of things to prepare for the next day. And, the determination and hope came back. Yeah, not the strongest I've felt, but enough to say, "You can do this, try it again tomorrow."
So as I finish up my 'day-before' planning, finishing up little odds and ends, and even writing this blog, I have hope. I have hope I can do this. I can learn what is placed in front of me, and if I keep moving, and lean on God's strength, and not my own, I will make it. You will make it. We all will make it.
So before you go to bed tonight, I invite you to pick out five things you did well today and are proud of. Then, one thing you will do better tomorrow.
If you're struggling and need balance or solutions. You can find them. A lot of times I find them on my knees, while I'm writing, but especially while I am in action to what I have been told. But they all have one common denominator, Gods help. So give him a holler. I'm sure he'd love to shine some light on your path.
Just an idea.
Well Dreamers, I'm off to bed.
Love Dreamer Di
Challenge: Talk to God tonight about what you feel and need.
Words: Spanish Dancer