I've been an
emotional eater for more than 20 years, and I am trying
something different. I recently finished the questions in Step 4
of the Addiction Recovery Program. I am doing the program to learn how to
cope differently instead of using food, and learning how to lean on Christ
instead of eating. I have worked a lot on my health and am very proactive,
daily, and have come a LONG way, but my emotional eating has been a vicious
cycle and has given me lots of resistance and problems.
The problem with
being an emotions eater is:
1. We must eat to
survive as a human, so you can't just abstain...
2. When we do 'emotionally eat' we get upset at ourselves and feel bad that we're
stuck in this cycle. And then with these negative emotions, how do we cope?
With the coping mechanism we have learned and practiced for years: EATING.
See the nasty cycle?
Step 4 is about
truth. It is about finding the reasons why we act, believe and do certain things,
especially the negative habits. Part of this step is to write a
"Fearless Written Inventory". Which means you go through
the different parts of your life and find those experiences that have
molded your ways of thinking and actions, what you felt, what you can learn
from them, and what God has to say about them. Needless to say, it has felt
like a daunting task.
My thoughts and
excuses we're quite logical: "I can't add another huge task to my to-do
list." "I don't have time to dive into my past and pull up an old
feeling, and deal with it" "I don't know HOW to do an inventory"
(<--This was my biggest one) But it kept coming back to me to do it. God was
poking me and i'm lucky to have a sponsor (Whom I email each night) who has
helped remind me to keep moving forward and to stay "plugged in" to
the program.
I have answered
the questions in step 4 but have done very well in avoiding the inventory,
until yesterday.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As I step into
this process of digging deep into the dark places of my souls there is pain,
misunderstandings and wounds. I have done plenty healing work before,
and it has helped in so many ways/areas, but I have struggled with my
"shell" -my excess weight- and emotional eating/coping for a long
time. Even all the therapy/healing work I've done in the past, I'm still here.
I'm still struggling. So this little vision, below, gave me hope and courage to
move forward and start the process of digging, safely.
I am currently
in a year program in school (Mind-Body Wellness Practitioner- Holistic
Nutrition, Life coaching, Hypnotherapy @SWIHA) and I had my first day of my
Life Coaching program. We did a listening exercise and each student had a card
with a picture of a hat. One classmate asked me the question: "If this hat
was magic and you could be anything you wanted, what would you be?"
The hat was a
miners hat with a headlamp on the front of it. My first impression was I would
be an explorer in a cave. My imagination opened up. Because I had the light, I
wasn't really scared, except for maybe a little anticipation/excitement in
my chest. With the light on my hat I could also use both hands to navigate
through the cave and crevices. It was very helpful.
The cave was a
little cold and wet but I started going through the dark places, finding
gems and precious things. (Which I was excited about because I'm doing my first
Art Boutique next month, and I would "use" these items in my art. ha) I
continued to climb until I came to a hole, just big enough for me to drop
through. (Don't worry, I could see the floor of where I was jumping to) I slid
into the hole and found a little row boat and a pool of water that seemed to
lead somewhere. I shielded my headlamp and could see a faint light in the
distance.
I rowed the boat
towards the light, feeling adventurous and curious. Upon reaching the
light I came to an opening and rowed up to the edge of the bank. The rocks
around my feet in the shallow water were a bright green
and turquoise (Which yes, I did pick some up for my crafts)
(I left the
boat for another explorer who dares enter the dark cave and water.)
As I climbed up
over the ledge I could see beautiful green trees and a beautiful green lush
meadow with purple, yellow and pink flowers. It was so beautiful!! (Nature is
my favorite place that fills my soul) I felt so much joy,
peace, gratitude and beauty. I was so happy to be there! I laid in the
grass for a while, basking in the moment and sunshine.
The bam, I
snapped out of it as the teacher said the 3 minutes was up, to switch partners,
and the experience was over.
Ok so here is
the symbolism:
I knew as I was
explaining/telling this story to my partner that it was the Lord giving me the
last bit of trust/courage I needed to start this adventure of healing and to
move forward with my inventory.
I don't have to
be afraid to step into the dark cave, for I know there is happiness , peace, an
adventure and beautiful scenery on the other side. Along the way I will find
pieces of my soul, "precious gems" that have been hidden in these
"scary" places. That sounds exciting to me.
I
am comforted by the light that is illuminating my path. It symbolizes
Christ in his gentle guidance and direction. I feel like I am safe and
have a bubble of peace around me. I wouldn't want to go through these
caves without the light of Christ on my explorers hat. By doing so I could
trip, fall, or severely hurt myself. Good thing I don't have to do that.
I see now that
this process can be an freeing escapade if I trust in the Light and
follow my instincts (God's direction) as I step carefully through this
cave. I like the sound of that.
I realize now,
the water was dark and possibly deep, but God gave me a boat so I didn't have
to tread through cold, dark, nasty, unknown water. (what creature could be in
there?! AH! gives me the heebie geebies) But instead, I was dry, comfortable
and safe inside my little wooden row boat. Again with the light guiding my way
and an exit/release ahead.
I feel
it symbolizes how my healing process will be. Yes, I will have to
crawl through thin crevices, climb over rough walls and maybe get a couple
scrapes and my feet a little wet. But falls will be prevented and I don't have
to swim in past thoughts, ideas, pains and sorrows. Yes, I might look at them
from the surface, but I don't have to be engulfed in them.
This is the
atonement process.
Finding healing
through the Lord, our troubles are lighter, we process faster, and are
protected in the mean time. I have experienced this a lot in my healing work
over the years. In my vulnerability and desire to heal, I must trust
the Lord and have courage to go places I haven't. Christ is the only true
safe place I have found.
So yes, I am
willing to go through this cave with my explorers hat on, because now I
see that I'll make it through and beauty is on the other end. Life is an
adventure, right? ;)
Love Dreamer Di
Ps. I do not
recommend someone traveling into a cave by themselves under any circumstance...
Except in your mind. haha Play it safe dreamers. :)
If you
are struggling with fears, doubts, anxiety, insecurities, addictions, or
letting go of the past --contact me, and we can set up a 'Freedom Fighter
Therapy' session.
If you want to
look into the program yourself, for any topic: https://addictionrecovery.lds.org/?lang=eng
Challenge: Bring
your healing to Christ. He will help you. :)
Words: Peaceful,
Belonging
