There might be a reason you don't get what you want..

Above is the song I’m listening to as I writeJ By edIT  “ltlp”. Feel free to play this song as you read this post to get the full experience. If you song ends before your done reading, start it again. J oooogabooga.

 My mind is blown. The closer my trip is getting the more I am realizing what a gift it is, this adventure that I am pursuing is far more than I thought, and it hasn’t even begun.  

WHO THE HECK TO DO YOU WANT TO BE? Create it and do it, dang it. ;)

As I walked my dog today my mind opened to the possibilities that are presented in front of me. You mean, I can be exactly who and what I’ve wanted to be, my entire life? You mean to tell me that I can solely love people? I can wear fresh flowers in my hair? Grow my hair long, be able to braid it? You mean to tell me, I can find people that share the same artistic joy, and look at life deeper than what the eye can see?  Speak to people that introduce beauty, as I have never experienced? Climb mountains without a trail? Build a shelter in a tree? Try exotic crazy foods? Wear the bright colored skirts that blow in the wind? Put beads in my hair, let a gypsy paint henna on my arm. Dance WILDLY around a fire to a drum circle til I feel my heart will beat out of my chest? Learn to dance flamenco and to feel every movement. You mean to tell me, I can do what I love and feel what passion truly means? You mean to tell me I can connect with different cultures, learn to walk their walk and talk their talk? That every step I take can be a dance? That every breath can be in gratitude? I have always dreamed of living the life of freedom, not really having a specific plan but to flow, flow to the beat of the earth and explore. Do you mean that I really can be given the gift to be everything I’ve ever wanted? This is correct? So you saying that If I truly believe? I… can… have… it?

My mind never believed it was possible, until now…

I have been learning so much about mindsets and belief systems and how they structure our reality and worlds. That some belief systems are completely false and have controlled us for years, some belief systems are due to pain, others have been taught, others observed. But what is the truth? What is real?

I have been experimenting with this lately and have found it to mind blowing to see the results of changing the way I think. I have been thinking about this the past couple days actually. A few nights ago I was feeling pretty flustered and I was wondering, where are these thoughts coming from? For I have excluded outside influences and sources that feed my brain things that don’t support where I’m going and want to be. I do not watch TV, rarely watch movies, I sensor my music and study the lyrics etc, for my mind is mine and I want to think clearly, not by what outside sources tell me I should be. I believe each of us were created to create something beautiful, if you are not able to tap into your own thoughts, creativity and mind, then you are not fully utilizing the gift you’ve been given to share, you. So with being so careful of what I place in my mind, why am I having these thoughts and doubts? AHA! I realized Tuesday night that it has been my own thoughts and misperceptions that were stomping in and crampin my style. THEY GOTTA GO. Anything that doesn’t speak life over you or stops you from living, destroy it, a wrong way of thinking is just as dangerous as a sip of poison. For it kills dreams, it kills your ambitions and excitement. Fight back. You have the choice to change your way of thinking.

Where you are in your life is because of what you know and how you think. That is the only difference between you and where you want to be, you and the heights you want to reach.

Answer: When you dream and a doubt comes up. Think about where It came from, think where you learned it. Question if it is right and if that belief has stumped you ever before. If you pray I would talk to the Lord about it. He can help cleanse your mind.

Start being aware what you put in your mind. Notice how your thoughts make you feel and what words you subconsciously memorize and sing over and over, teaching your mind to think and believe a certain way. The most important thing is you need to be aware what goes in your mind, for you are a product of your environment. You don’t have to have huge dreams, but you can have YOUR dreams and what success means to you. Start thinking more positively and correct your mindsets to truth.

Words of the day: I dare you

Challenge: I challenge you to experiment with your belief systems and begin to test them. For if you want your results to be different, then change how you do things. You guys rock, I’m proud of you and let’s conquer this. ;)

We need to dare to dream.

Learning to Flow

The morning was beautiful. The sun caressing my skin as the breeze blew and the wind chime sang, creating an angelic ring. I am learning to enjoy the moment again, for quite some time I have been running headfirst, straight ahead, but I have missed the beauty around me, missed the sounds, sights and smells of what the world is made of. Stop and smell the roses is so cliché but it's true, life will pass you by if you don't take the time. I have been running towards what I truly thought was important, working on finances so I can live all my dreams, creating opportunities and options for people to do the same, I mean the list could go on and on. But I realized I have been forcing things. I have been neglecting one of my best gifts, my ability to flow. For there have been times in my life when I didn't have everything together, I was broker than a dog, and my life was a mess. But somehow in the craziness of life I learned to enjoy it, enjoy the people around me, laugh a lot and had the most amazing experiences. Even in moments when I didn't know how I was going survive I didn't sweat, I loved and I lived, and everything always worked out. Even when I had no idea what faith was, I was living it.

So as I am realizing that I have lost my sense of flow. I am working towards flowing again. This has resulted in taking complete moments and hours of silence. Letting my mind have the space to create again and how to not be so structured and shut off. In this silence I am able to think and create whatever comes and flow with it. I have started to see results. Slowly letting those guards down and letting it run free again.

Almost like a beautiful stallion that has been locked in a fence for quite some time, and has believed that this is where he was suppose to be, yet has never felt the true sense of fulfillment. Then the moment comes where the gates blow down and there the horse stands. His mind trying to comprehend that the fence is now gone. The choice has to be made if the horse steps out of the pasture where he once was bound, or stay. The fence is what the horse has known, the boundaries are now open for him to run and find the pasture he has only longed for. The horse was born to run in luscious pastures, the horse was born to buck and gallop wild in the wind. He steps one slow step, then another. He begins to run, and picks up speed, he feels the breeze through his long flowing mane, and snorts as his breath becomes heavy. He lets out a cry that echoes through the tall trees, refreshing his roots of ancestry. The flanks of his legs stretch and carry him faster than he’s ever dared to run. At full speed he breaks beliefs of what he has once known, head now down, he charges forward. Now that he has tasted the breath of freedom and joy, he could never go back, he could never deny the beauty he has felt and who he truly is meant to be. Your will find your true love for life and the dreams that touch your soul when you flow in the beauty of life and stand for who you are.

Thank you for loving life.

Word of the day: Strength

Challenge: Sit in silence and let your mind create your flow, then flow in the beauty that is created for you. Your heart will tell you what is truth. Live, breathe and have fun. :)

Do you beleive you're worth it?

Over the past day I came to conclusion of something I need to work on. I realized that I have all these dreams, all these things I want to do in my life and I have faith they can happen, but will they?

Talking to a good friend today for a good three hours I wondered what the next level of faith was to make these dreams happen and be successful. As I have dreamed and even prayed I've known that all the things I ask for are logical and possible to have happen, but I found my faith was smaller than I thought. For as I believed they could happen, for someone, I didn't quite believe it could happen for me. CRAZY right!

The last chapter of my life I had been working myself into the ground. Literally giving every ounce that I had, blood, sweat and tears. Which I now know what it's like to run faster than you have strength, for two Thursdays ago I cracked, call it a nervous break down, call it a close call to one. But, I broke, my eyes were opened that I was neglecting the things that were truly most important to me. Too bad it had to take a crash to wake me up.

A week before this breakdown my dog had a seizure, as I read over paperwork at the doggy ER the thing that stood out to me the most was the statement that dogs can seizure when they feel stress, I knew she was feeling this from me. For I was moving so fast that everything was a blur, no time for enjoying the scenery.  For the day she siezured I had had the "best day" I accomplished all 25 things on my to do list, every rope tied down, every phone call made, yada yada, check, check, check. AND I was getting in bed exactly at 10pm which was my last goal. Not even 5 minutes after getting in bed she siezured.. Something I had not added to my list was Kiwi, and I'm sure she was not the only one around me feeling neglected. For there were a couple other eye opening events before the crash that made me realize I was missing out on the lives of the people I truly loved and the essentials around me were falling apart.


This is sweet Kiwi, she came to me in my time of need four years ago. She is a stray from Mexico and I adopted her. She has such a beautiful personality and exudes love, acceptance and peace. She is one of my greatest blessings.

 So the juice about yesterday, I realize that the reason I work so hard towards things, at such a rapid almost frantic desperate rate is because of a lack of faith. Pushing so hard for what I wanted but not loving where I was at at the same time. I felt that if I didn't work so fast and hard that I would never reach my goal. Which would be terrible for me, for when I set something, say something and want something I do whatever it takes to get it. I had prayed for help from the Lord to reach these things but didn't even have the time to listen what the best most effective way would be. I acted in haste as if everything depended on me, leaving not much room for blessings, miracles and outside help. I think the Lord is trying to teach me to enjoy what is around me, steadily work towards my goals and they will come. Gosh patience sucks sometimes doesn't it! But it also kills the fear of it never happening. I just have to trust it will.

So are you a pessimistic optimist, like I found I am? That all things in the world are possible, but not necessarily that I will get it, even if I work so hard to reach it?  I found the key of why that is, it comes down to self worth. Countless occurrences filled my mind, of times I have let myself be used, justified when things hurt, misunderstood, stood by, lacked belief in myself, and justifying giving so much of myself with so little in return. It's painful to realize how bad I've treated myself by letting others mistreat me, and also neglecting myself too. I can't do this anymore, my heart wont have it. So in my learning yesterday I learned this concept: If you believe you are worth the blessing, then you can receive it. "21. Jesus answered and said unto them, Verily I say unto you, If ye have faith, and doubt not, ye shall not only do this which is done to the fig tree, but also if ye shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; it shall be done. 22. And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive." Mathew 21:21-22. I believe that I have pushed off a lot of blessings, love of God and others, and missed out on countless beauty. This because of my misbelief and misunderstanding of worth. Lets just say I cried A LOT yesterday, my eyes are still nice and puffy this morning, but I am grateful I learned why what I wanted, what I pleaded for, wasn't manifesting, wasn't showing up. So I will steadily work towards learning what my true worth is and what that means, for I want to be as full, real and beautiful as my daddy in Heaven made me.

Words of the day: You are worth it

Challenge: What can you change in your life to show yourself you are worth it? How can you raise your own level of self respect and honor towards yourself. Prayer would probably help with this. ;)

Cleansing process! :)

Let me introduce Rosa Dilworth into this beautiful mess. :) Rosa is one of the best friends I've ever had, she is kick it, she is hilarious, rowdy, deep, and we have a blast together. We love hiking and exploring, spending time with German men... Sharing EVERYTHING and loving life together. I don't know what I would do without her. We both are parting paths on February 29th and starting new adventures, I'm off to Europe and she off to Idaho to live with family for a while to save money because she too is coming to Europe, Germany specifically, in the summer time. SO we will continue our journey of life together as we meet up there. She is a rad chick and knows how to have a good time and loves God and I love her. :)

As I am packing up, cleansing my area and belongings, I realize that this chapter really is closing. I think it means more than I have been thinking, it has a deeper meaning than just leaving. I am leaving an old me behind, old infulences, friends and mindsets. As Rosa and I are deciding what items are most important we realize that not only are we cleansing physically, but mental and emotionally too. I realize that my next step after Europe could be brand new. Who am I going to become while I am there, how will I grow?

I have had this happen to me once before, this process of complete removal from my area and influence. This is when my life transformed from a drug addict and alcholic, when my life was a mess and i was so unhappy, to changing complete habits, connecting with people with different standards and learning to love my life. God completely took over and made me new. And here I am today, Happy, successful and living my dreams. So, I'm interested in where this new process takes me and where I end up. I am grateful for change. :)

I have the best relationships I could ever ask for, and they continue to get better and better with time. I am learning how to honor, how to truly love and how to laugh hysterically about the beauty of life. What a blessing, people are the best part of this world.

Word of the day: Serenity

Challenge: Throw out something you never use. (Or better yet, get a bag of stuff and donate it to a thrift store!) If a bag of stuff seems to much, just throw out ONE thing. You'll be surprised how liberalting it is and you'll wanna do it more! TRUST ME!

This is just the beginning! We have 3 full bags of clothes we are donating, plus we have a huge bag of things to throw away! This is just from our closet! We are SERIOUSLY cleaning house of who we've been and leaving the past behind, we are so excited for our journey!!

This is what Rosa and I did today! Taking down another step in moving, we'll be living out of boxes/suitcases for a couple weeks. :)

Elephant tracks

It really is just about loving people.

Word of the moment: Sizzle

Challenge: Hold your breathe for 23 seconds

Clutter

Changing pace, following dreams and living your life does not always come without sacrifice. As I take down decorations from my walls, reality is setting in that this chapter is almost over, closing shop. We may never know what new things lie around the corner, for stepping into the unknown means an entire new set of possibilities.

In packing, it is taking thought of what truely is important or not. If I were to create a new life, what is most important to be to have with me. Will it be a picture? Will it be an item of clothing or a certain song that makes me feel at home. Has my efforts to make home inside of me been worth it?

Surrounded by things, what am I connected to? Am I connected to the souls of those around me or am i connected to book, a car, a decorative picture, what material thing? What has meaning to me?

Word of the day: Deep

Challenge: Make silence a priority

Rock the balance

I'm really starting to wonder, what is real, what is truth? Standards and expectations set so high and we're presented with a certain way of living but what is really true. This has brought a lot of thought, for just last week I was running around being the busiest, yet most productive I've ever been, but after my Dog siezured, I didn't have time for a family member and my life around me was falling apart, which ended in a mere neverous breakdown. Which royally sucks btw. I realized I keep chasing this things that are "bigger and better". Yet the things that are most important to me are being neglected. I want to live my life The simple way and enjoy every moment but society makes us think that we have to be so busy to be happy and I don't believe that is true. For you can find a very simple man and He be happy and grateful for his life and the busy "successful" person and they are on antidepressants, don't know any of their 3 children and are completely unhappy. There has to be a balance. I desire to have the resources I need and desire, and I'm willing to work for it. But there has to be a simpler way to live, there has to be a way to make an income by doing what I love. There has to be a way.. What does success mean to you? I am still trying to figure out what success specifically means to me too.

Moving to Spain is going to be one of the best experiences of my life. I feel like I'm going to be able to really learn and know what's real. My friend Teddy Nixon and I are looking into doing a pilgramage while we are there, called "Camino de Santiago". You can start pretty much anywhere in northern France or Spain and walk all the way to Spain's western coast. It's over a thousand years old and it is a religious pilgrimage for most. Where you walk for days and days, and pretty much can explore on your own time. Gosh, I am amazed by how amazing it sounds. I am excited to step into a new culture of travelers. I beleive I will learn a more simple life, as I am traveling very light and am choosing to spend very little money. I have always wanted to live this way, and now I am acheiving my dreams and doing it. :) To live as a gypsy: a person held to resemble a gypsy, especially in physical characteristics or in a traditionally ascribed freedom or inclination to move from place to place. (dictionary.com) It blows my mind that this is truly possible..

Challenge #1: Do you know what's important? I challenge you to truly thing what is important to you, then evaluate if you feel you are giving your prioritys enough time and change what you need to. Your pirorities need to be what you truly want, to be happy. :)

Challenge #2: STOP BEING SO SERIOUS. Find humor in your life and trials and laugh more. Life is to be enjoyed. (I only say this for I am trying to learn how to enjoy life again, let's do this together? :) )

Word of the day: Hambone

Peace and Love! <3