Thursday, February 9, 2012

Do you beleive you're worth it?

Over the past day I came to conclusion of something I need to work on. I realized that I have all these dreams, all these things I want to do in my life and I have faith they can happen, but will they?

Talking to a good friend today for a good three hours I wondered what the next level of faith was to make these dreams happen and be successful. As I have dreamed and even prayed I've known that all the things I ask for are logical and possible to have happen, but I found my faith was smaller than I thought. For as I believed they could happen, for someone, I didn't quite believe it could happen for me. CRAZY right!

The last chapter of my life I had been working myself into the ground. Literally giving every ounce that I had, blood, sweat and tears. Which I now know what it's like to run faster than you have strength, for two Thursdays ago I cracked, call it a nervous break down, call it a close call to one. But, I broke, my eyes were opened that I was neglecting the things that were truly most important to me. Too bad it had to take a crash to wake me up.

A week before this breakdown my dog had a seizure, as I read over paperwork at the doggy ER the thing that stood out to me the most was the statement that dogs can seizure when they feel stress, I knew she was feeling this from me. For I was moving so fast that everything was a blur, no time for enjoying the scenery.  For the day she siezured I had had the "best day" I accomplished all 25 things on my to do list, every rope tied down, every phone call made, yada yada, check, check, check. AND I was getting in bed exactly at 10pm which was my last goal. Not even 5 minutes after getting in bed she siezured.. Something I had not added to my list was Kiwi, and I'm sure she was not the only one around me feeling neglected. For there were a couple other eye opening events before the crash that made me realize I was missing out on the lives of the people I truly loved and the essentials around me were falling apart.

This is sweet Kiwi, she came to me in my time of need four years ago. She is a stray from Mexico and I adopted her. She has such a beautiful personality and exudes love, acceptance and peace. She is one of my greatest blessings.
 So the juice about yesterday, I realize that the reason I work so hard towards things, at such a rapid almost frantic desperate rate is because of a lack of faith. Pushing so hard for what I wanted but not loving where I was at at the same time. I felt that if I didn't work so fast and hard that I would never reach my goal. Which would be terrible for me, for when I set something, say something and want something I do whatever it takes to get it. I had prayed for help from the Lord to reach these things but didn't even have the time to listen what the best most effective way would be. I acted in haste as if everything depended on me, leaving not much room for blessings, miracles and outside help. I think the Lord is trying to teach me to enjoy what is around me, steadily work towards my goals and they will come. Gosh patience sucks sometimes doesn't it! But it also kills the fear of it never happening. I just have to trust it will.

So are you a pessimistic optimist, like I found I am? That all things in the world are possible, but not necessarily that I will get it, even if I work so hard to reach it?  I found the key of why that is, it comes down to self worth. Countless occurrences filled my mind, of times I have let myself be used, justified when things hurt, misunderstood, stood by, lacked belief in myself, and justifying giving so much of myself with so little in return. It's painful to realize how bad I've treated myself by letting others mistreat me, and also neglecting myself too. I can't do this anymore, my heart wont have it. So in my learning yesterday I learned this concept: If you believe you are worth the blessing, then you can receive it. "21Jesus answered and said unto them, Verily I say unto you, If ye have faith, and doubt not, ye shall not only do this which is done to the fig tree, but also if ye shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; it shall be done. 22. And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive." Mathew 21:21-22. I believe that I have pushed off a lot of blessings, love of God and others, and missed out on countless beauty. This because of my misbelief and misunderstanding of worth. Lets just say I cried A LOT yesterday, my eyes are still nice and puffy this morning, but I am grateful I learned why what I wanted, what I pleaded for, wasn't manifesting, wasn't showing up. So I will steadily work towards learning what my true worth is and what that means, for I want to be as full, real and beautiful as my daddy in Heaven made me.

Words of the day: You are worth it

Challenge: What can you change in your life to show yourself you are worth it? How can you raise your own level of self respect and honor towards yourself. Prayer would probably help with this. ;)

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