Defeat Or Victory

This has been an interesting week. I have had many opportunities to get back up and try again. I feel like I haven't had to face these feelings, at least this strong, for a while.

I have a lot of really important things I am working on and skills I am learning that are taking a lot of work. There were times this week where I felt complete defeat, and actually believed the lie that I couldn't do it. I couldn't keep up with the pressure and amount of growth happening and required of me. I would feel overwhelmed and sit and do, nothing. But then had to straighten out my thoughts and get up and try again.

I think my feeling of defeat comes for a couple reasons.
One, and I think the main one, is that I'm really catching fire in these areas and making awesome things happen. I am pushing through so many fears and excuses. 'Fruit' and results are well on it's way. So there is a lot of resistance and forces trying to stop me.

Two, (And I learned this today) That my mind gets running with ideas and sets more expectations and tasks that are not actually required of me. So of course I can't live up to them, or feel stressed because of them, for I am taking more than I am given to accomplish. And what I mean by that is this: I truly believe God has a purpose for each and every person in this world. I believe that if we listen, He will mold us, prepare us, and teach us to become something great in His eyes, whatever that may be. I have learned over time to discern what comes into my sphere and to go with the flow of what is presented, and for me to learn. This has taken A LOT of trial and error, but I can say I'm flowing now and trust in the process. Now, side note: Flow does not mean it's 'free-flowin-easy'. No…. this flow is freaking challenging and stretching me. Probably requiring more of me than any time in my life. There are moments when I feel on top of the world, and others I don't know how the heck I'm suppose to do what's required of me. Its freaking irritating, frustrating, discouraging and at times I feel like a complete failure seeing all that is falling short, even with all I can do. Which brings me to my next point.

Three, I stop counting my sprouts. Sprouts meaning my progress. The tiny little things I do daily towards a goal. The problem is, sometimes I left my mind slip into seeing the 2 bad/negative/sloppy/non-perfect things in the day and am blind to the 40 others that I ROCKED. It is a pile of poooey to think that way! But this really catches me up, a lot. Now I'm sure it's human nature to be accustomed to seeing your faults, but it's one thing to see them, condemn yourself and let it throw you into sadness and defeat. And another to see the positive/great things in your life FIRST but also be wise enough to notice your faults and adjust your next day to hopefully be better than you were yesterday. I also think one of my biggest struggles is life is never consistent. Especially with having a child, who is a wonderful gift and joy, but is a highly uncontrollable element. So things are constantly 'on the adjust'. And I, by the moment, am having to use creativity to figure out how I can still get the important things taken care of while still working on enjoying the moment and remaining in peace……………  I would put a lot more dots after that statement, and it's moment of silence, but I will move on.. ha ;) Anyway, It's been crazy. I have to constantly work on daily preparation and think of anything possible I can do today and not save for tomorrow or do earlier instead of later. ex: Picking out my outfits/jewelry the night before, getting ready for bed oober early, making hubby lunches the day before, planning my tasks/timelines for the next day, brainstorming how I can adjust something if things don't go as planned, meal planning, delegating, hiring help, did I mention planning?? ha You name it. ha I'm exhausting all I know and can, to try to balance things. I'm up for the challenge, but I'm sure this is ONLY the beginning…. ;)

But, you know why I do these things? You know why I push against the grain and put all my soul into creating something beautiful? Because I am a Dreamer. I believe there is more. That the things that are important to me, are possible. So I'm willing to work for it. I have to. It's a piece of me.

So, As I put my sweet baby to bed tonight, and after having a day of struggling if what I was doing was worth it. I got up and did a handful of things to prepare for the next day. And, the determination and hope came back. Yeah, not the strongest I've felt, but enough to say, "You can do this, try it again tomorrow."

So as I finish up my 'day-before' planning, finishing up little odds and ends, and even writing this blog, I have hope. I have hope I can do this. I can learn what is placed in front of me, and if I keep moving, and lean on God's strength, and not my own, I will make it. You will make it. We all will make it.

So before you go to bed tonight, I invite you to pick out five things you did well today and are proud of. Then, one thing you will do better tomorrow.

If you're struggling and need balance or solutions. You can find them. A lot of times I find them on my knees, while I'm writing, but especially while I am in action to what I have been told. But they all have one common denominator, Gods help. So give him a holler. I'm sure he'd love to shine some light on your path.

Just an idea.

Well Dreamers, I'm off to bed.

Be well, be beautiful, be you. :)

Love Dreamer Di

Challenge: Talk to God tonight about what you feel and need.

Words: Spanish Dancer

You're Doing Ok.

If you haven't used the app 'Timehop', I'd recommend it. It shows you what you've posted on that day from years past. 

It's been so interesting to read all the blogs I have posted over the years. It's funny cause I sware to you, each one I've been reading applies to what I am learning today. 

Before I might have gotten disappointed that I'm in the same learning process again and maybe become sad. 

But as I read one from January 3rd, 2014 I learned that yes, we may go through some of the same cycles, but each time we are building upon the last building blocks. 

Some skills take longer to learn than one 'season of learning.' 

So as I read a section and saw I'm struggling to refine the same area, Focus, I learned from myself years ago and found I am wiser now than I was then. I also was reminded of some things I had forgotten. 

So today I built another brick in my 'focus wall' and also learned more grace for myself in my learning process. I realize I'm doing ok, "Rome wasn't built in a day" and some skills take time. I'm grateful for that.

Anyway, hope you can look back at your past self and learn from your victories  AND struggles.

You're awesome. Keep on keepin on yo.

Love Dreamer Di

Challenge: learn, and love it.

Word: love

Ps. I write this with a sleeping baby in my arms. One of my sweetest moments and blessings:)

A Caterpillars Poem

We went camping and had a little fun with a caterpillar. This poem was written for my friend Rachel in the video and is the caterpillars point of view.

I am a caterpillar, I was found on the ground.
I am light brown and scrunchy, and I make not a sound.
I joined a few humans in their tent for some fun
I pooped on their blanked, cause why not?! it's just dung?
Who knew it was bad manners to relieve myself that way
I'm a bug! The world is my potty, everywhere's ok
The humans laughed hysterically, trying not to wake their friend
I don't know what's so funny, what came from my end
I watched as they tried, to clean up my waste
But my poopoo went a flyin, all over the place
So in the end, the crisis was averted
Then this sweet poem was written, because I had 'shirted'

Love,
The Caterpillar

Mommy Nutrition Goals

I've been a mom a week and a half and I can already see how important my focus on nutrition is.

I have been on an awesome 3 year journey with my body. I realized how badly I had treated it with so many fad diets, chemicals, lack of sleep, lack of proper nutrition and care, but I'd expect my body to function at an excellent capacity. Then I'd get get angry and force my body to perform more when I'd fall short due to exhaustion or lack of brain power.

Talk about unrealistic expectations!

I was in an abusive relationship with myself, but not no more! ;)

Since then I've made a serious effort to gently get to know my body and what it needs. It's been pretty fun.

We've learned to trust each other now.

I trust that my body will tell me what it needs, and it trusts I'll follow its direction. It's a relationship where we help and balance each other. Ex. When my body is craving sugar or foods I don't like to normally eat, I make decisions that support OUR goals, not just being led by a craving. And my body communicates nutrients it needs by creating a type of craving/desire for certain foods, and my mind discerns, responds, and gives it what it needs. I appreciate that. :)

Anyway....

So, as I am now taking care of a wee human, and feeding her from my own body, my nutrition is ooober important.

My body now needs to function at a higher, more efficient capacity, than it ever has. 

So this week my focus is 2 things:

1. To incorporate a protien shake into each day.

2. Eat an Alkaline diet

    -Pretty much TONS of veggies/fruits and no refined sugar

    -Balnced nutrition 

    -Gallon of water to flush everything out 

    -Vitamins

Sleep is definitely important too. We'll continue to work in that as baby gets older. :)

I'm still only 1.5 weeks out from having my baby, and my body is still healing, but again, being proactive with what I CAN control, is always good. :)

I'm pretty excited about my goals for this week.

 Love Dreamer Di

Challenge: Set some goals for things you can control. :)

Word: Diaper

Healthy Positive Pregnancy

Thought I'd post because you always see so many negative things about being pregnant, especially the last trimester.

I'm not writing this post to make other pregnant ladies or momma-women mad, but sharing my experience for those interested in possibly having a different experience than “typical pregnancy”.

Today is my official "due/guess date" to have my baby. I am 40 weeks and according to "charts" I am "fully ripe" and baby should be "done".

I feel great. I’ve been shocked the last week about how good I am feeling, when according to most people, apps and beliefs, I should be “miserable” right now. But instead, I sit here in Indian style, happy, and going to a rodeo today?

My greatest strength has come from counseling with God about different pregnancy concerns and how I can best prevent problems, specifically for my own body. If He can direct me, He can direct others, and He can direct you in your pregnancy.

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When I found out I was pregnant I decided to be proactive. I DECIDED I didn’t want to be a “victim of pregnancy.” (As a lot of people seem to look at it, or they make sure to portray their experience that way) I wanted to have a positive experience, so I went to "work".

Yes, I have had the normal hormone shifts of morning sickness, fatigue, preggo brain, and adjusting, but I do not regret my “prevention planning”, especially for this last trimester.

If I heard of a problem, like swelling, stretch marks, waddling, cravings, back pain, fear etc, I researched it, asked specific questions, took notes from professionals, and found a solution. Then, not only did I find the solution, but I made list after list (a plan), a daily routine, made time, and made it happen. I have not been perfect each day, but I have followed things ENOUGH that I feel great now.

I don't feel like writing a novel or sharing every detail, but Here's some examples of some struggles/solutions I found, did, and have not struggled with:

-Swelling: lack of protein and needing more water, keep active from the beginning. (1-2 mile walk, try every week day, is what I've done)

-Stretch marks: started taking fish oil from the beginning of pregnancy, which increases elasticity in your skin(and hopefully other places during birth), plus from the very beginning put coconut oil on my tummy every night. Hydration also helps with this (half your body weight in ounces)

-Cravings/extra weight. Giving my body what it needs before it "asks". Being serious about my nutrition and getting my vitamins everyday has really helped. I have had cravings yes, but for me they are signals of needing specific nutrients, so discerning what is actually the cause of my body freaking out, and making wise decisions. (I found that the more fruits and veggies I ate, and drinking enough water, the less cravings I had) I haven't been a nazi about it, just conscious.

-Waddling/pain through body. I have walked and did yoga most of my pregnancy. It's proven, if you want pain in your muscles/bones, stop moving. Stretching everyday, pregnant or not, decreases pain. As my pelvis has been adjusting and baby dropping, I have experienced hip and pelvic pain(ouchie man) (not even yoga could touch this ache)- which I then researched and visited a Myopractor. (Mix between a Chiropractor and physical therapist) Each time the pain got too much, I’d go in for a session, he'd adjust my body back, and I'd be back to normal again (highly suggest this, I would be really suffering now if I hadn't gone. Ask me if you want a referral)

- Fear clearing/mental training ****BIGGEST ONE*** I refused to watch/believe "Hollywood" birth, protected my mind from people's negative experiences, and found role models who actually enjoyed pregnancy and had positive results. I researched other options, and BELIEVED I could have a different experience. I did a home-study course called "Hypnobabies" and I believe that is why I am in peace and patient today. (Yes, I want baby to come, and am excited, but this has curbed the craving of impatience and to keep the mindset of "baby will come when she's ready"

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Every woman's body is different, and these specific things may not work for you. Maybe you enjoy your pregnancies, and maybe you already have a great mindset if you've never been pregnant before, so you probably have it all under control. But ALL I KNOW IS, if you’re not satisfied, and you’d like to have a different experience than an average pregnancy, I would highly recommend counseling with God, doing your research and MAKING IT HAPPEN. For in prayerfully searching for solutions, and being proactive in these things, I have been successful in enjoying my pregnancy.

Lesson: My experience (in more than just pregnancy) doesn't have to be like everyone else's.

I feel really good, and am excited for the birth of my little girl.

Love Diana

Dreamer By Trade

My hobby is dreaming. This is where I find my greatest kick and enjoyment. It is in sitting down, practicing my gift of agency and making some decisions.

Which then leads to a plan, then action.

All I know is, every cool thing that’s ever happened in my life has come from plugging into some moving music, planning and going over details with God. Then it’s digging in my heals and getting to work.

Life is an exciting playground when you plan and believe.

Dreamer by trade..

Preparing for the next one,  ;)

Dreamer Di

Challenge: Dream, plan, do

Words: Leap, move, go, stretch

6 Years Sober!

CELEBRATION!!

6 YEARS AGO TODAY I chose to walk away from a self-destructive lifestyle of substance abuse, darkness, and rebellion. I took a leap of faith from a living HELL, and into the arms of my Savior.  

I am living PROOF that God is a Redeemer and the Atonement is real, transforming, and healing. He can take someone who is sad, and broken, and make them new. 

You CAN change, others can change. 

Give Jesus and His Atonement a chance to touch your heart, and change your life. I invite you to come unto Him. There is no pain, problem or vice He can't heal.

Thank you to all who have influenced my life for good, and helped me get to this moment. :)

Rock it,

Dreamer Di

Challenge: Have faith in yourself that change is possible.

Word: sheep

#6yearanniversary

#itspossibletochange 

#Godheals 

#Hisarmsareopen 

:)

Ps. I just got to touch a pet porcupine :)

Alaska Rainfall Child

I decided life would be magical today. 

The hubby and I parted ways for a bit, and I went for a walk through the woods by the river. I sat on the bank for a good hour, listening to the cool 'glacier blue' water rush by. I sipped on some hot coco and held my little red umbrella. At times it started pouring, so I playfully hid under the green canopy of some friendly trees. I felt as a child, excited, grateful, and full of life.

As the rain poured stronger I walked farther through shadowed pathways. The flowers are blooming, and little mice are running around through the underbrush. The innocent bugs and birds are cute as ever, and surprisingly the mosquitos have left me alone:)

There is solace here. Silence here. Growth, healing, and beauty. Exactly what a hungry soul needs. :) Nature has always been my safe place of enjoyment.

I am happy to be here. :)

... Now to go find my handsome hubby. :)

Love Dreamer Di

Challenge: Feed your soul

Words: Sunlight, Rainfall 

Goal: Take time to do what I love :)

Growing A Gardener

Hello Dreamers,

Cool things from yesterday:

*I saw two butterflies mating! Doin their creation thang.

*I had the opportunity to work in the garden and plant a whole bunch of flowers! I'm learning a lot for my own life through symbolism. It's really cool!

* I learned about preparing soil,  transplanting plants from the nursery into fresh wet soil. Everything has so much purpose, it is spectacular. 

My biggest lesson from gardening today was about transplanting a "nursery plant" into the prepared soil. As you carefully pulled the tiny vulnerable plant out of the plastic container you had to "tickle" (as my boss called it) the roots to help loosen them. (Carefully spread them apart) This helps the plants expand their roots easier so they survive being transplanted. 

Applying it to life:

To continue growing, to reach your highest potential, you must keep having experiences, meet new people, do cool things and continue to loosen your roots so they can expand and reach deeper. Therefore becoming the full plant and flower you were designed to be.

Staying in a little plastic container is not your destiny. ;)

It was an honor to plant these new little plants into this purposefully prepared soil. 

They now can reach their full potential. 

My heart is full.

The growing gardener,

Dreamer Di

Goal: Prepare the "soil" of my own life to have it flourish like a garden.

Challenge: Think about what dreams you want to plant in your "life garden." And learn how to make them grow:)

Words: Watering can

Here are some flowers I planted and the romantic butterflies. :) the dogs name is Bella. :)

Balancing Dreams

Hello my dear dreamer,

It has been such a long time since I have written you. I've missed sharing my insights and feelings with you.

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I am struggling to tap back into some of my hearts desires..

The more I think about it, the more I find how much I have let my dreams die.

Over the last two years I have really put some things on the back burner. My enthusiasm about life has slowly diminished and I miss its “friendship.” :)

I still adventure, yes. I still do some things I love, yes. But I have tasted pure enjoyment and satisfaction and I desire to find it again.

I have found that satisfaction comes from having balance in important areas or my life. I have parts of my life that are thriving and others that are dormant/dying. Pieces of my soul that are calling out to be expressed. So I will figure out how to express them.

Just as a gardener would tend to a sick plant, I am doing the same for my dreams. I need to find what fertilizer is needed, what pieces need to be pruned, and the right amount of water/sunlight etc.

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In the moments when I have lived a life of excellence, I find the most fulfillment.

A life of excellence takes work, lots of it. I feel so inadequate at times, but I have to remind myself it takes one step at a time to climb a mountain.

At times climbing a mountain has been tough, and the temptation to quit and turn around has been ever present and real. But, as I continue to move forward, strengthen and determination is earned.

I’m trying to figure out my next step.

I’ll be making extra phone calls to Heaven for help.. ;)

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All in all, my circumstances are great, job is great, hubby is wonderful and fun. I am happy with the progress that is being made. It’s just about finding the balance. Giving my dreams some space to fly is next on the list to adjust.

May faith and power be with you my game-changers/dreamers,

Love Dreamer Di

Challenge: Dig your dreams out of the ground and use them.

Words: Risk-taker

Love Story Proposal

I am so happy to share this beautiful moment with you. Sorry it has taken us so long to fill you in. :)

Ok… We have known we are getting married for a while, but with James being gone on the trail most of the time, things are a little different. :)

We have been making plans, running around with logistics etc, but just needed this last little piece (A ring and asking the sweet question) to make it official :)

I'll have to fill you in on our entire story another time. It has been quite an adventure, but I would not trade a single moment. For our relationship is so deep, rich and beautiful, because of the work we have both put in, this 4+ years.

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Here is the story from the last couple days and the engagement night.

My roommate, Bethany, asked me a couple weeks ago if she could book me for the evening of March 28th. I had told my friends that when James was home from the trail I was completely unavailable for hanging out, for most of my time was spent with him…. So her asking was suspicious from the beginning… haha

I assumed that it was probably the night that James was going to propose, but I played it cool and naive… haha I plotted in my little head about how I was going to make sure I got enough sleep that week, bought a new outfit etc. I was going to be ready!!!

A couple days ago I was working out with that same roommate and I decided to ask her what I was suppose to wear for friday evening. This was her response: "Something you can run in…" "WHATTTTT?! WHY?!" was my reaction… (I can imagine my facial expression was priceless… haha)  It through me off, big time. Every idea I had mentally come up with was suddenly crushed and I was left completely in the dark. haha My mind was boggled… "Maybe he wasn't proposing that night" I thought….

A couple days went by and James came home from the trail (Wednesday March 26th) I was so excited to see him. The next day was my birthday (Thursday, March 27th) and we had a fun day. We went to breakfast with his Anasazi coworkers and I got a free blueberry muffin after my meal, with a melted pink candle, which I shared. :D Then I drove around and picked up free food from a bunch of restaurants for us. Then James and I went up to my favorite place in the mountains. At the end of exploring we ended up on a little hill in the middle of the most beautiful valley where we held each other close and watched the sunset over the rolling mountains.

I was beautiful. He was so romantic. I wish I could have recorded the words he spoke to me.

The thing I love so much about James is he speaks from his heart. He has never once spoken something to me that he didn't mean or feel. Even when I wanted him to feel, be or say something, he never once "told me what I wanted to hear" or "beat around the bush." He has always been honest with how he felt. 

So when he does speak, especially of love, it is so powerful. It fills my soul with so much joy and connects me to him even more.

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He gave me 4 gifts for my birthday, each symbolizing something beautiful.

The first 2 gifts he gave me on the mountain. He made each of them while out on the trail. :)

The hand carved spoon symbolizing his promise to provide for my needs and take care of me. The dream catcher symbolizing his desire to also be one to help catch my dreams, that they may come true. These were such perfect gifts. I love him. <3

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SOOOO the day finally came (Friday March 28th)

I woke up to a phone call from my friend Rosa who informed me that I was going to be picked up at 6:45pm and I was going to be blindfolded, first thing. I freaked out again. "WHAT???!!!" I seriously didn't know what was going to happen now…

I was picked up, given a little note as a clue, blindfolded and driven far far away into never-never-land. (If you ever want to simulate the feeling of flying in a plane: Ride blindfolded on the freeway… haha)

We arrived and took the longest walk of my life (because I was blindfolded) to a mystery place. (Rosa and Rachel were my escorts) It ended up that we were playing laser tag!!! This is one of my favorite things! 

James and a whole bunch of my friends and family were there too. (I had been told James wasn't invited, so it was a pleasant surprise to see him!) We played 2 rousing laser tag games. I ran and screamed like a little girl many many times… haha ;)

I then was told to say good bye to everyone and I was to leave. I then was blind folded again, given another clue, and we drove for another 500 years… haha (Time really does slow down when you have no clue what is happening)

(This is when things started to get sentimental= me emotional)

We got to our next stop and they walked me through some wet grass (Which felt quite interesting and unexpected between my little toes haha) to a forever distance again. I was stopped and told to open my eyes. I was standing under a beautiful tree where it was to symbolize the beauty of my soul and where my heart truly lies: in the beauty of the earth, and to always remember this piece of me. This made me really happy. 

We then walked up some stairs to Rosas apartment where she handed me a bag of clothes and accessories to put on. In the bag were some of my own clothes (I have no idea how I didn't recognize all of that stuff was gone out of my closet)

I silently put the outfit, accessories and heals on, for my heart was so full from the love of everyone involved, this was a team effort… :')

The amount of effort put into this whole night meant so much to me. I've never had an entire night dedicated to me and my happiness.

I looked and felt beautiful.

I was then to close my eyes again as we drove to our final destination.

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We arrived and they led me through the door and into a room where they sat me in a comfy chair. I opened my eyes and there was another chair to my left and a camera man in the corner. James soon came and sat in the chair next to me. He then gave me my third gift.

He hand carved this stone for me. It symbolizes his love for me and that I have his heart. ( I held on to this little heart the rest of the time. It is a privilege :) )

He then explained that each person I loved was then going to take a turn having an individual moment with me. Then, one by one, each person came in and sat in the chair next to me, and the camera man recorded it. They each had a token or card they had written, and spoke from their heart about how they love/appreciate me. I love each of these people so deeply, for they are my dearest friends. This truly touched me and meant the world to me. Rosa was the last one and spoke of the pieces of my life that were changing.

At that moment I was then prompted to turn my chair around. ( I had been facing the back of the room)

All of my loved ones stood there, with James standing in the very front, dressed in a handsome suit. He then took my hand to stand me up. He spoke to me such beautiful words. (Eye contact is the best "invented thing" when love is spoken) He is so poetic and wonderful.

He then got down on one knee, pulled a red little box from his suit pocket and asked "Diana, will you marry me?"

"I would love to." I said

My fourth gift. :)

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Tonight was perfect.

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It is interesting how a one sentence/question can make you feel so much closer to a person.

He and my friends planned so well. I felt loved and special. Thank you for all involved

I love Him.

I'm marrying the man I have loved for many many years. <3

I am blessed.

Dreams do come true.

Love Dreamer Di

Challenge: Love, and be loved.

Words: Red Roses