Yesterday was an interesting day of learning. I realized that I have been running from myself, who I am and what I have to offer the world. Yes, yes, you may think I have went bonkers, for my reputation portrays that I do "myself" pretty well and am doing what I can with what I have.
I have known for a while that I was a runner. When things got scary, or I felt vulnerable, able to get hurt, I would dip out. I have done this with friends and potential lovers for years. I don't want to do this anymore. I have learned in the past year or so how to recognize my want to run, and how to calm those fears and intense emotions. To sit still and breathe space, for my mind needs to settle again.
I realize that the first place I must start is to stop running from myself. An example is with my own health, I have been given this beautiful body and yet I hide behind the layers of excess. I'm not quite sure what I am afraid of, but I feel that my soul is gentle and doesn't want to be abused. So this is where I will start, with me. The running stops, today.
I prayed last night that God would guide my days starting with today, that He would make it really obvious, especially in the beginning, until I got the hang of it, what He wanted me to do. I feel like I have followed his spirit well in the past, but this is more. This I can feel hits deeper and requires even more trust. I feel I am now ready to listen.
My mind has been healing, part of my reason for this adventure is to heal my mind to truth. Step out of my old influences and fully to be led into Gods way of thinking. This has been going well but as always, healing is a process and isn't always easy.
At 6:45am I awoke to faint sunlight coming through the sheer violet curtains painting the round bay window. An overwhelming feeling beat a rhythm in my chest. An intense passion to find a piano to play. I started thinking of the places I had seen a piano during my London exploring. The list of beautiful ancient churches rolled into my mind. After a moment of thinking, as my chest was literally going to burst, I began to chuckle, for this was obviously what I was suppose to do today. God had heard my prayers. I am grateful, He has been responding quite quickly lately, and in ways my eyes can see. Call it a miracle, call it grace, but this is real.
I picture a ball room, tall ceilings, beautiful tiled shiny floors, and lavender walls laced with dated artwork. Huge windows face a lush garden, decorated with long dark flowing drapes. The smell is invigorating, as if something sweet is being cooked in the kitchen, maybe cinnamon rolls. In the middle of the room, in front of the open window, there is a full size grand piano. Shined and polished, with not a finger print in sight. A light breeze brushes my skin as I tip toe gracefully and carefully like a child to the piano, full of so much anticipation as I breathe "Can I play..?" I look around the room and not a soul is in sight, so I quietly sit down on the plush soft piano bench. I look around once again, realizing I'm alone, I press and hold one key, the ring of middle C echoes and fills the room, my soul vibrates as well. I place my hands on the keys and I begin to softly play a song I have only heard in my mind. As the moment builds, a tear begins to fall as I feel such resolution. For this is where my heart belongs, this is where I feel more than I ever have. My piano, my love, forgive me for running from your beauty, forgive me for letting you go. As I play louder my passion streams from my soul, I lean into each note as my heart sings through my fingers. I am home, this is where I belong.
As I sit here writing I see a medium sized black bird, red beaked and rustled feathers, flutter into a green leafy lattice. I wonder If he does what he loves. For birds fly with the wind, so I’m sure they flow. I can feel his excitement as he climbs through the lattice, maybe he has a nest in there, to shelter him from the cold. Have you ever wanted to be like a bird? Fly high in the blue, swooping and soaring to where the wind takes you? I think we all have the desire to fly, reach places that seem so untouchable it's almost magical when we experience it. We've all experienced moments like this at least once in our lifetime.
I want to fly more. Love more and live more. Let's find our passions together shall we? :)
Word of the day: popcorn
Challenge: Enjoy your day. Listen to your heart, ask it what it loves, what it needs. Let yourself experience the passion you feel as you indulge in what you're directed to do today. It may be something silly, I feel like I also want some fruit snacks.. So, I'm going to go buy a little package for 30pents. :) Go be happy today.