A secret I will not tell.

Perhaps creating vocal yoga with Naomi at almost midnight isn't the best timing. For there are some seemingly heavy and perhaps angry footsteps coming from the upstairs flat. Our loud screaming (for releasing purposes of course) and hysterically laughing is obviously not appreciated by everyone!

Walking out of a park today I met a little old lady named Joan. You know, as I know, that I fell madly in love with her from the moment I saw her. We walked til the end of the block, I told her I missed my granny (well like 8 of them at Fairbrook Grove Assisted Living, in Mesa) dropped a couple tears and said goodbye. To be honest all I wanted to do was spend the afternoon with her, I guess I have realized that sweet elderly people give the best truest love, and I miss it.

I had a good cry today. My soul has had moments lately of being wrenched with homesickness for my family, friends and life and sweet dog Kiwi. I had been wanting to cry for a couple days but the perfect moment hadn't presented itself. Before I left Arizona, I had a handful of my closest friends and family write me a letter of love and encouragement, to read on a hard day. I felt I would need them. I decided to read one of my love letters today. I picked one out of the pile and when I saw it was from my sister Natalee, my love for her overtook me, which then released all the pent up waterfalls. I feel better now. :) I love my dear little Natalee boo.

Today I have pondered of what to share with others concerning my life. I have always been so open, for the purpose of giving of my experiences to teach others of possibilities. But in the past couple days I have wondered what I should keep in secret or in open. Which information benefits others and what is cast aside, leaving me feeling like I cast pearls before swine. What is appreciated and what isn't. Mystery is enchanting, is it not? I am debating and investigating this theory. What does being mysterious attract? Will it attract what you want? Give you more choice? I am not yet sure what pieces you shade and what pieces you let shine, but the only way I will learn is to find out and asses for myself. This will be a slow and steady process, for my plate is rather full of delicious arts of work, but I will dabble slightly and see what results are produced.

Updates:

Worth: My body is slowly healing to Gods perception. Yesterday, a couple times, my worth was tested. Ignorance is not always bliss. The outcome opened my eyes to more of what I’m worth and what to look for.

Dreaming: My ideas are being tested. I have often questioned the last couple days if what I'm doing is worth it. This is one of the hardest things I have ever done, but I believe the results in joy, transformation and adventure will triumph over the strain.

Passions: I still have not found a piano to play, I literally feel like I have lost an essential internal organ. (pun not intended) But, hopefully tomorrow we can bring home the keyboard, someone said I could borrow, and hopefully it will fill the need. I pray the next moment I set fingers on an actual piano, that I will be alone, for tears of gratitude wilt roll from my face. I realize I have taken so many things for granted; this has caused a lot of pain the last couple days. For I miss the beauty of what I had so easily at my fingertips and touch. I have begun to paint again, which I brought with me, and also have picked up my writing again. My books I am writing "I am, Learning Who You Are Through Jesus Christ" and "Faith to Move Mountains" are back in full swing and my chest almost bursts at the idea and opportunity, as words flow from my fingertips. This is where I belong.

Relationship with God: There have been some momentous moments here. I have seen God respond more quickly than I ever have. Each decision and act of faith I take, is just as scary and breathtaking as the first, but God is showing me positive results as I gracefully step through the beautiful yellow tulips of His garden in a flowing green gown. On a journey like this I cleave to Him fully, for He is the only thing constant at this time of my life.

Health: Walked about 2 hours today. Ate like a chap. Need to drink more water. Took nap, feel great! :)

Satisfaction: I felt satisfied with my day today. All of it. :) I am quite proud of myself and my accomplishments today. Also made wise financial choice and took time for myself. I= happy.

I have never wanted waterproof makeup more in my life. I have walked out of places with Kiss style make up down my cheeks, but I am grateful I can feel, for I once felt nothing.

I really do love you and want you to succeed,

Dreamer Di <3

My theme song;

I swear! I don't do drugs.. Im just happy!

I feel stinkin amazing. I have had the best day today.

I made a new friend, named James. He was the water system repair man, He ended up staying and hanging out for an hour, luckily I was one of His last jobs.. :) We had the best chat, laughed, talked about tons of things, I played him some of my music I am working on right now and I'm excited to hang out with Him again. Such a wonderful guy! I am really enjoying the kind Men I am meeting here in London!

I went to bikram yoga. Which is where you do a 90 min yoga class in a 100 degree 40% humidity room and you sweat your guts out and I love it! I practiced this type of Yoga in the states and I'm so happy I found it here too! It is quite different than the yoga I practice before, but enough the same that I don't feel like a beginner. A couple more classes and I'll know the order of postures and be able to flow. :)

I ate like a champ. Had 2 meals today. Dark leafy lettuce wraps filled with rice, chicken, carrots, cream cheese, raw smoked salmon and hot sauce(duh). Some deliciously chewy grain bread, slightly warmed with butter and honey. Lots of water and a piece of hazel nut chocolate for a treat. :) Yummy.

I had the house to myself, so I decided to have some fun. Sometimes I like to talk to myself and act out scenes, and I took well advantage of it tonight! I had the most amazing night chatting with imaginary friends in imaginary scenarios. Gosh, sounds so crazy, but I really had fun.

I imagined a beautiful Spanish man named Alejandro, tall, with wavy hair, slightly past His ears. His eyes were dark brown and you could almost not stare at them, for they were so beautiful and true. Large stature with nice definition in his arms, with a very defined collar bone. I'll stop there, but all I can say is he was a HUNK! haha

We took a train to the coast of Spain and he surprised me by taking me to the BEST sea food restaurant. (my fave) Where I had the most amazing shrimp, cooked in the most delicious butter I have ever tasted in my life, then with a slight sprinkle of garlic! OOOO! And the rice was so tasty I wished I could eat one piece of rice at a time. While the cooked carrots! Oh the carrots! Were cooked perfectly decorated, slightly sweet and smoky, almost so good I wondered if they were sprinkled with magic! The desert was a masterpiece, a round fist sized Chocolate Mountain of cake heaven with hot caramel rolling off the edges onto the hot plate. Served with two spoons we each took a bite. As the steam radiated from our mouths, our breath was taken away by the gasp of deliciousness and a moment of silence just magically happened throughout the entire restaurant. (haha)

After dinner we walked in the moon light on the beach. I was barefoot, by the way, and I was walking closest to the ocean and the waves were lightly caressing my feet... He was ever so smooth as he caught my hand, gently, mid swing. Which surprised me, every blood cell and molecule of breath in my body was giving a round of applause in joy, yet, I played it cool... THEN! All of a sudden, smiling sweetly, I took a step... And low and behold! right under my step, was a crab! I nearly had a baby as I screamed a high C and leaped ferociously into the air, and you'll never guess, it happens just like in movies. I happened to leap right into Alejandro's arms!!!!!!!!! (Insert sappy instrumental music here)

Which I then cleared my throat and said, "Uhhhh, I... think I stepped on something." You know, that moment when you expect something so romantic to be said, and you hold your breath in suspense!! But instead it's this dead end line and you roll you eyes because you had hoped it was a kissing scene... Yeah yeah, I've been with you when you've watched these movies, I've seen your reactions. haha But come on, Alejandro and I are just starting to get to know each other! Kissing so soon would be too easy, have some respect!

Anyway the night ended wonderfully and he walked me home, He kissed my hand like a gentleman, and I shut the door.

The End (Applause, applause, standing ovation, "beautiful show!")

This is why I don't watch TV, I create my own Romantic Drama. ;)

When this story comes true you KNOW I will tell you about it. hahaha

It might be a bit awkward if the neighbors saw as I pranced around the house with glee in my own imaginations.

Word of the day: Buckwheat

Goal: To one day learn “I before e except after c” so I don’t have to keep spell checking words like believe, receive and perceive.

Challenge: I don't care how old you think you are, this is for you too.

Step One: Find a place you feel comfortable talking out loud to yourself

Step Two: Create an imaginary friend

Step Three: Let you imagination create a wonderful story for you to play in

Step Four: ACTION! Have fun, laugh hysterically, have your imaginary friend give you gifts, spend an outrageous amount on an elegant dinner on the coast of Australia, dance, cry etc!

You rock, and I love you, good luck ;)

Dreamer Di

My Declaration for Abundance

I have learned something else, and I am going to experiment with it.

A while ago I learned that my perception of my self worth is displayed in my financial standings. I had thought about this idea, but I hadn't let it sink in, until yesterday.

The Lord has given me the means to pay off my credit card, twice. Where I would pay it to zero and celebrate with joy that I was debt free and express that I wasn't going to use my credit card again. But again, both times, something "important" came up and the card was filled right to the limit again. I felt I hadn't been using my credit card so I always was dazzled that it was full and almost didn't understand. I understand why now...

As I am on this adventure here in eastern hemisphere, the only bills I have to pay right now is this one credit card and my school loan. As I was going over my finances and mapping out a financial plan, the debt was killing me. Interest being so high, it was literally eating my money like a smelly hairy monster! BOO! Go home ya beast! haha I thought over ideas. I decided to write an email to a friend, explaining my situation and pleading for the exact amount, willing to work out a payment plan based on percentages brought in, and interest to them would be included. $100 more than what they leant me. Ew it makes me sick to my stomach to think I almost sent it. The email didn't feel right so I saved it as a draft, to think on.

Reading that night, it was revealed to me again that my finances are a reflection of my beliefs of worth. I have been working on changing my belief systems from deprivation mode into abundance. I am seeing a difference. I realize I don't need to go into debt anymore, ever again. Asking for a loan from someone else would just pacify the problem, give slight relief, but the issue would still be there. I’m so glad I didn't send that email.

So last night I made a decision.  The ideas of a couple of my role models and trusted mentors came to mind. One: The only reason you go into debt is because you don't have money, you can change that. -Dani Johnson.

Two: There is no plan B. - Will smith

Meaning, There is no option to go into debt again, only into abundance. This takes trust, which I feel I have nothing to lose, for I have always been taken care of. I trust that God is the provider He says He is. So this is my step of action:

I've decided to pay my amount of debt in whole, for the last time, and close the accounts. I am making a declaration of freedom as I close these accounts. No turning back, not even an option to fail. It's in these moments, you feel just an inkling of unknown, slight fear, slight "This is stretching the heck out of me" slight "Holy Moses, that was a rush of freaking goodness!!" I also just paid the end of my school loan, and closed the account. I AM OFFICIALLY COMPLETELY ENTIRELY SPECTACULARLY SENSATIONALLY BEAUTIFULLY DEBT FREE AND IN ABUNDANCE!!!! :)

This was easier than I thought, for when you have nothing to lose you have everything to gain. For God owns everything in the world, He can add and take away. I am willing to take this risk. I believe using my travel/dream money to pay off my debt, I will reap great rewards, due to faith involved. I love my God. He is my favorite person and I am so grateful for the abundance He is opening my eyes to. He is willing to share with you also, talk to Him about it.

I'm not telling you this for you to feel worse about yourself according to the amount of debt you have. I am telling you this so you can open your eyes to where you need to focus, loving yourself, finding the worth God sees in you. He will provide a way for you to pay your debts. Christ already paid the debt for your life, who says He won't do it again. :) I believe that the more you love and respect yourself as a person, the more self worth you will feel. And who knows... Maybe the financial increase is a plus. :) I will be able to tell you my experience after this experiment.

Words of the moment: I'm hungry and going to go eat rye bread with cream cheese and raw smoked salmon.

Challenge: Dare to experiment with Gods word. Find if it's true yourself. ;)

With love,

Dreamer Di

I Must Fill Mine Passions Craving.

Yesterday was an interesting day of learning. I realized that I have been running from myself, who I am and what I have to offer the world. Yes, yes, you may think I have went bonkers, for my reputation portrays that I do "myself" pretty well and am doing what I can with what I have.

I have known for a while that I was a runner. When things got scary, or I felt vulnerable, able to get hurt, I would dip out. I have done this with friends and potential lovers for years. I don't want to do this anymore. I have learned in the past year or so how to recognize my want to run, and how to calm those fears and intense emotions. To sit still and breathe space, for my mind needs to settle again.

I realize that the first place I must start is to stop running from myself. An example is with my own health, I have been given this beautiful body and yet I hide behind the layers of excess. I'm not quite sure what I am afraid of, but I feel that my soul is gentle and doesn't want to be abused. So this is where I will start, with me. The running stops, today.

I prayed last night that God would guide my days starting with today, that He would make it really obvious, especially in the beginning, until I got the hang of it, what He wanted me to do. I feel like I have followed his spirit well in the past, but this is more. This I can feel hits deeper and requires even more trust. I feel I am now ready to listen.

My mind has been healing, part of my reason for this adventure is to heal my mind to truth. Step out of my old influences and fully to be led into Gods way of thinking. This has been going well but as always, healing is a process and isn't always easy.

At 6:45am I awoke to faint sunlight coming through the sheer violet curtains painting the round bay window. An overwhelming feeling beat a rhythm in my chest. An intense passion to find a piano to play. I started thinking of the places I had seen a piano during my London exploring. The list of beautiful ancient churches rolled into my mind. After a moment of thinking, as my chest was literally going to burst, I began to chuckle, for this was obviously what I was suppose to do today. God had heard my prayers. I am grateful, He has been responding quite quickly lately, and in ways my eyes can see. Call it a miracle, call it grace, but this is real.

I picture a ball room, tall ceilings, beautiful tiled shiny floors, and lavender walls laced with dated artwork. Huge windows face a lush garden, decorated with long dark flowing drapes. The smell is invigorating, as if something sweet is being cooked in the kitchen, maybe cinnamon rolls. In the middle of the room, in front of the open window, there is a full size grand piano. Shined and polished, with not a finger print in sight. A light breeze brushes my skin as I tip toe gracefully and carefully like a child to the piano, full of so much anticipation as I breathe "Can I play..?" I look around the room and not a soul is in sight, so I quietly sit down on the plush soft piano bench. I look around once again, realizing I'm alone, I press and hold one key, the ring of middle C echoes and fills the room, my soul vibrates as well. I place my hands on the keys and I begin to softly play a song I have only heard in my mind. As the moment builds, a tear begins to fall as I feel such resolution. For this is where my heart belongs, this is where I feel more than I ever have. My piano, my love, forgive me for running from your beauty, forgive me for letting you go. As I play louder my passion streams from my soul, I lean into each note as my heart sings through my fingers. I am home, this is where I belong.

As I sit here writing I see a medium sized black bird, red beaked and rustled feathers, flutter into a green leafy lattice. I wonder If he does what he loves. For birds fly with the wind, so I’m sure they flow. I can feel his excitement as he climbs through the lattice, maybe he has a nest in there, to shelter him from the cold. Have you ever wanted to be like a bird? Fly high in the blue, swooping and soaring to where the wind takes you? I think we all have the desire to fly, reach places that seem so untouchable it's almost magical when we experience it. We've all experienced moments like this at least once in our lifetime.

I want to fly more. Love more and live more. Let's find our passions together shall we? :)

Word of the day: popcorn

Challenge: Enjoy your day. Listen to your heart, ask it what it loves, what it needs. Let yourself experience the passion you feel as you indulge in what you're directed to do today. It may be something silly, I feel like I also want some fruit snacks.. So, I'm going to go buy a little package for 30pents. :) Go be happy today.

With Love,

Dreamer Di

London Exploration

It's been a couple days since I've written, It's been kinda nice to chill out a bit.

Friday night I realized something pretty big. I realize that in the past have never been satisfied. Which is a dangerous thought process. Ex: Dec 26, I made a goal to make $3000 extra, on top of what I made at Fairbrook with my parents, for Europe. Well, I made the goal, reached the $3000 in the 2 months and.. nothin. No celebration, no Joy, almost apathy towards it, no big deal. And I worked my tail off for it and when the reward came, it meant nothing to me. Then Arriving here in London, that is where I realized I had a problem, for all I wanted was to move on to the next thing. This really made me distraught, for I have worked so hard to get where I am, but if I do not enjoy it, I will not fully reap the rewards, this is with any goal. And from here my goals only get bigger and bigger, I will reach them, but I also want to enjoy them. I have to refocus my mind again, why I wanted to be here, what to accomplish etc. My goals have been: networking, connecting with the music world, exploring and enjoying life. I don't think I have truly enjoyed life in quite sometime. I used to be really good at it, but that was also when I didn't have any responsibilities, it is finding the balance now, between work and play. My favorite thing to do is work, but if I don't enjoy the fruits of my labor, I will soon burn out and possibly stop progressing due to protest of "this sucks, I'm a slave and everything I'm working on can kiss it" (Can you tell I've experienced this before? ;) ha) I'm now realizing that it is I that needs to learn to enjoy the moments I am in, which takes another level of trust, that I will still reach the places I want to go, even if I take the time to enjoy. So this is a new step of faith I am taking.

We walked through some beautiful Gardens.





We kept finding these Teepees all over the place, here's two of them.

Friday and Saturday Naomi and I walked all day, Like 7 hours. It was awesome, I was surprised that my body could handle speed walking for that amount of time, it did well. My job in Arizona at Fairbrook Grove I was on my feet all day, so I guess my body was used to it in some degree. :) We walked around and saw many beautiful things in London, I am going to study more about the places and go back the be able to give you more of a background. It is a beautiful city.

These are some videos of a little Market we stumbled upon :) Yum.



We rented bikes for the afternoon. only cost one pound to rent a bike for 24hours. Amazing! I'll probably do this again.





Rush hour was WAY different then I am used to. I have never seen so many people, moving so fast, in my life! I'm used to cars piled on a busy freeway, but not in London, getting on the train, which they call the tube, was intense! You pack in these little train cars like sardines! I was comfortable with the fact because I like to go to Music concerts, and be close to the front, and also huge dance parties, so body on body in a small area was normal. haha I would have taken a picture, but people didn't look very happy and I'm trying to be a part of the culture not a tourist. But I will see what I can do so you can see what I mean. The train system is really cool here. I am going to adventure out more the next couple days.

 Here's some more pictures :)

This is Royal Albert Hall, One of the most famous venues of the world, it is absolutely beautiful! Me and Naomi are going to see a show here the 17th of March called Classical Spectacular. Where The Royal Philharmonic Orchestra is going to play all the classics with thundering cannons and indoor fireworks. I am so excited for this show!

Common Gardens

Isn't she pretty!

Words of the day: "To be or not to be", and "Slow internet can die."

Challenge: Go to the market and buy yourself something from a different country. You might like it! ;) Yum.

London Breakfast

March 4th, 2012
I slept like the dead last night. I am taking the next couple days to unwind, I have worked so hard to get here and now that I am here I am going to enjoy myself. I'm so happy I brought my sleeping bag, it is PERFECT. I slept on Naomis bed with her, but the sleeping bag kept me warm, for they don't run their heaters like we do in America, so it is cold.. I will put a video together of her beautiful house when I get a change. It is lovely.

This is what we ate for breakfast. It is rye bread with cream cheese then raw smoked salmon. Holy Moses, I am loving the food over here. It is so good, I have a new fave. Also had a bowl of soup, I think I am going to eat a lot of soup here, for it is very good with the cold, also cheap and healthy. I also have been drinking tea all morning and did yoga, my daily scripture study and God time. It is almost noon here, which means it is like 5am in arizona where I'm from. :)

Hello from London

Feel free to listen to the jam as you read. :)

So I'm sitting here in a coffe shop in London,I am wating for my friend to meet me again.  Let me begin my trip. I was almost oblivious as i said my goodbyes, tears, but not as many as i expected. I will missed probably just as much as i miss them. I've left my life, my friends, family and dog. But this is a journey i have a long waited for. Check in was a long process. Snapped one of my gutiar strings preparing it for travel on the plane. But I see this as a gift, for now I have an excuse to connect with music people and find a music store. I also learned that my friend Naomi had planned a surprise Jam seesion with one of her guy friends. I am very excited. ;0 But from check in through the flight from Pheonix to Chicago I think I was the most scared I've ever been in my entire life. Which, I am not usually afriad of anything, but I really got hit for about 4 hours. Thinking "what the heck did I just do?" It was pretty deep thought for a while. There were moments I wanted to cry, moments I wanted my mommy, wanted to say forget it and go back home. Obviously I didnt chicken out, but those feelings were real. I am happy I don't experience those often. I ended up sitting on the plane with this adorable 16year old young man on my flight from Chicago to London and totally forgot about everything I was feeling and we got to know eachother, I also slept for 3-4 hours which was nice.

Going through customs was fun... It took me two hours to get though customs, for with a one way ticket, and not having any proof that I was planning on leaving their country anytime soon, they had to make sure I wasn't going to stay.  This is my first time traveling internationally by myself and I'm not one to necessarily research everything. Hence, I act quickly and don't let excuses hold me back, which doesnt require me to have all the information to "move." I love this about myself, for I live a wonderfully abundant life. But, I also learn things by experience this way. I give myself grace, for I felt prepared as much as I could for what I knew. I feel there are so many bases to cover, that's why I depend so heavily on the Lord. for without Him, so many things would fall through the cracks and living my dreams would be so much more challenging and maybe nonexistant. For through Him I have realized more of what is possible. So I give it a try, and usually it works out quite nicely. :) I feel that as my mind expands, I learn quickly, act quickly and consistantly, therefore my life is more rich and full. I challenge you to explore expanding your mind and possibilities.

So  as I said, immigration into the UK took 2 hours. I had to show them all my bank accounts, searched all my things. "Come with me" "Take a seat." Upstairs, downstairs etc. They even read some of my going away love letters from my friends and family. haha Which if you wrote one, thank you, for your words of kindness just uplifted  and encouraged a handful of europeans as they read your thoughts! Who knew that you too would be influencing this part of the hemisphere!! ha So I thank you on their behalf, they probably needed it. It was a long process, and I prayed they'd let me though, but there was a slight hint of humor floating in my mind, a slight giggle everyonce and a while under my breath, Im still laughing now, for I learn by experience. See, I could have taken 2 hours and researched everything I learned with international travel today. But NO, that would be oh so boring!!! haha Instead, I got to experience it first hand in that same 2 hours! This was a moment I saw the Lords sense of humor and how well He knows me. I would highly reccommend researching more before you travel, to prevent any complications. For it was a real possibility that I wouldnt have been able to come through. I do believe my kindness and honesty helped the situation. For I told Him the truth, which then He also called my friend Naomi and interviewed Her also to verify my story was correct, which I didnt have anything to worry about, for our stories matched. Honesty always wins, it is so much easier that way. I love writing stories and imporvising, but not with the law.. ha

So I finally met up with Naomi! As you exited the airport doors into the greeting area there were at least 50 people lining the area holding signs with peoples names on it. Naomi had one for me too! haha I loved it!

We bought a Sim card for my phone, exchanged money, bought me an Oyster Card, for the train, and off we went!

So the english language is different over here, and I have already made some mistakes in communication, but luckaly they have been harmless. Here's one; I talked to Naomi about going to a "charity shop" which is thrift store for us in America, because I have been releasing weight and my pants were starting to be too big on me, falling off and I wanted to get some more. She gave me a really funny look, after a min of thought she then explained that they call pants trousers and what I had said to her translated into me saying that my underwear was too big and I wanted to buy some used underwear at a thrift store. hahahaha! She has been confused and thought it was obsurd and gross I wanted to buy used underwear. haha I'm sure it wont be the last mix up, but i'm thankful for kind friends around me.

This is Naomi, isn't she beautiful! She is such a wonderful person. I am so blessed to be able to stay with her for my time in London. We are going to have so much fun! I brought my music recording system and we are going to work on some songs together. Way excited! I'm sure you'll hear about her a lot during my UK stay. :)

 This is what we ate for lunch, It is japanese food. From a cafe called wasabi, they had all assorts of sushi and foods made with seaweed. :)

This is what it looked like inside. Chicken terriaki and rice wrapped in a crispy layer on sea weed! Yum! I'm craving it now!

Here is my Microphone that I brought to record with. I am really excited to play with this! :)

By the way, I just heard a Chuck Norris joke in a British accent, from a little kid. It's official that Chuck Norris is international.

My fave Chuck Norris joke btw: Superman and Chuck Norris had a contest who was the strongest, the looser had to wear his underwear outside his pants...

When we got off the train we had to walk to Naomis house, about a 10 min walk. We were bringing all my luggage.. All of a sudden in a beautiful british accent we hear "Do you need help?" I turned to see a very attractive Man about my age, which I then replied, "well, yes, :)" He then walked with us to our house, it was fun getting to know him. He is Naomis neighbor, He wants me to come over and play my guitar for Him and a couple of neighbor friends. I gladly accepted the offer. I just need to get my guitar string fixed. I'm sure I will see him again. ;) I have always had very good luck with international men, I am glad to see that is still truth. ;)

Naomi snuck a picture! haha His name is Ryan. :)

Naomi and I had a great evening and ate soup and bread, Her housemate Barbra was very nice too. I really like her. I also got to meet Naomis neighbot sue, who's dog, a mini sheltie, had gotten out of the backyard somehow and we helped her find the hole in her fence. :) very sweet little older lady. I am at home here. :)

There might be a reason you don't get what you want..

Above is the song I’m listening to as I writeJ By edIT  “ltlp”. Feel free to play this song as you read this post to get the full experience. If you song ends before your done reading, start it again. J oooogabooga.

 My mind is blown. The closer my trip is getting the more I am realizing what a gift it is, this adventure that I am pursuing is far more than I thought, and it hasn’t even begun.  

WHO THE HECK TO DO YOU WANT TO BE? Create it and do it, dang it. ;)

As I walked my dog today my mind opened to the possibilities that are presented in front of me. You mean, I can be exactly who and what I’ve wanted to be, my entire life? You mean to tell me that I can solely love people? I can wear fresh flowers in my hair? Grow my hair long, be able to braid it? You mean to tell me, I can find people that share the same artistic joy, and look at life deeper than what the eye can see?  Speak to people that introduce beauty, as I have never experienced? Climb mountains without a trail? Build a shelter in a tree? Try exotic crazy foods? Wear the bright colored skirts that blow in the wind? Put beads in my hair, let a gypsy paint henna on my arm. Dance WILDLY around a fire to a drum circle til I feel my heart will beat out of my chest? Learn to dance flamenco and to feel every movement. You mean to tell me, I can do what I love and feel what passion truly means? You mean to tell me I can connect with different cultures, learn to walk their walk and talk their talk? That every step I take can be a dance? That every breath can be in gratitude? I have always dreamed of living the life of freedom, not really having a specific plan but to flow, flow to the beat of the earth and explore. Do you mean that I really can be given the gift to be everything I’ve ever wanted? This is correct? So you saying that If I truly believe? I… can… have… it?

My mind never believed it was possible, until now…

I have been learning so much about mindsets and belief systems and how they structure our reality and worlds. That some belief systems are completely false and have controlled us for years, some belief systems are due to pain, others have been taught, others observed. But what is the truth? What is real?

I have been experimenting with this lately and have found it to mind blowing to see the results of changing the way I think. I have been thinking about this the past couple days actually. A few nights ago I was feeling pretty flustered and I was wondering, where are these thoughts coming from? For I have excluded outside influences and sources that feed my brain things that don’t support where I’m going and want to be. I do not watch TV, rarely watch movies, I sensor my music and study the lyrics etc, for my mind is mine and I want to think clearly, not by what outside sources tell me I should be. I believe each of us were created to create something beautiful, if you are not able to tap into your own thoughts, creativity and mind, then you are not fully utilizing the gift you’ve been given to share, you. So with being so careful of what I place in my mind, why am I having these thoughts and doubts? AHA! I realized Tuesday night that it has been my own thoughts and misperceptions that were stomping in and crampin my style. THEY GOTTA GO. Anything that doesn’t speak life over you or stops you from living, destroy it, a wrong way of thinking is just as dangerous as a sip of poison. For it kills dreams, it kills your ambitions and excitement. Fight back. You have the choice to change your way of thinking.

Where you are in your life is because of what you know and how you think. That is the only difference between you and where you want to be, you and the heights you want to reach.

Answer: When you dream and a doubt comes up. Think about where It came from, think where you learned it. Question if it is right and if that belief has stumped you ever before. If you pray I would talk to the Lord about it. He can help cleanse your mind.

Start being aware what you put in your mind. Notice how your thoughts make you feel and what words you subconsciously memorize and sing over and over, teaching your mind to think and believe a certain way. The most important thing is you need to be aware what goes in your mind, for you are a product of your environment. You don’t have to have huge dreams, but you can have YOUR dreams and what success means to you. Start thinking more positively and correct your mindsets to truth.

Words of the day: I dare you

Challenge: I challenge you to experiment with your belief systems and begin to test them. For if you want your results to be different, then change how you do things. You guys rock, I’m proud of you and let’s conquer this. ;)

We need to dare to dream.

Learning to Flow

The morning was beautiful. The sun caressing my skin as the breeze blew and the wind chime sang, creating an angelic ring. I am learning to enjoy the moment again, for quite some time I have been running headfirst, straight ahead, but I have missed the beauty around me, missed the sounds, sights and smells of what the world is made of. Stop and smell the roses is so cliché but it's true, life will pass you by if you don't take the time. I have been running towards what I truly thought was important, working on finances so I can live all my dreams, creating opportunities and options for people to do the same, I mean the list could go on and on. But I realized I have been forcing things. I have been neglecting one of my best gifts, my ability to flow. For there have been times in my life when I didn't have everything together, I was broker than a dog, and my life was a mess. But somehow in the craziness of life I learned to enjoy it, enjoy the people around me, laugh a lot and had the most amazing experiences. Even in moments when I didn't know how I was going survive I didn't sweat, I loved and I lived, and everything always worked out. Even when I had no idea what faith was, I was living it.

So as I am realizing that I have lost my sense of flow. I am working towards flowing again. This has resulted in taking complete moments and hours of silence. Letting my mind have the space to create again and how to not be so structured and shut off. In this silence I am able to think and create whatever comes and flow with it. I have started to see results. Slowly letting those guards down and letting it run free again.

Almost like a beautiful stallion that has been locked in a fence for quite some time, and has believed that this is where he was suppose to be, yet has never felt the true sense of fulfillment. Then the moment comes where the gates blow down and there the horse stands. His mind trying to comprehend that the fence is now gone. The choice has to be made if the horse steps out of the pasture where he once was bound, or stay. The fence is what the horse has known, the boundaries are now open for him to run and find the pasture he has only longed for. The horse was born to run in luscious pastures, the horse was born to buck and gallop wild in the wind. He steps one slow step, then another. He begins to run, and picks up speed, he feels the breeze through his long flowing mane, and snorts as his breath becomes heavy. He lets out a cry that echoes through the tall trees, refreshing his roots of ancestry. The flanks of his legs stretch and carry him faster than he’s ever dared to run. At full speed he breaks beliefs of what he has once known, head now down, he charges forward. Now that he has tasted the breath of freedom and joy, he could never go back, he could never deny the beauty he has felt and who he truly is meant to be. Your will find your true love for life and the dreams that touch your soul when you flow in the beauty of life and stand for who you are.

Thank you for loving life.

Word of the day: Strength

Challenge: Sit in silence and let your mind create your flow, then flow in the beauty that is created for you. Your heart will tell you what is truth. Live, breathe and have fun. :)

Do you beleive you're worth it?

Over the past day I came to conclusion of something I need to work on. I realized that I have all these dreams, all these things I want to do in my life and I have faith they can happen, but will they?

Talking to a good friend today for a good three hours I wondered what the next level of faith was to make these dreams happen and be successful. As I have dreamed and even prayed I've known that all the things I ask for are logical and possible to have happen, but I found my faith was smaller than I thought. For as I believed they could happen, for someone, I didn't quite believe it could happen for me. CRAZY right!

The last chapter of my life I had been working myself into the ground. Literally giving every ounce that I had, blood, sweat and tears. Which I now know what it's like to run faster than you have strength, for two Thursdays ago I cracked, call it a nervous break down, call it a close call to one. But, I broke, my eyes were opened that I was neglecting the things that were truly most important to me. Too bad it had to take a crash to wake me up.

A week before this breakdown my dog had a seizure, as I read over paperwork at the doggy ER the thing that stood out to me the most was the statement that dogs can seizure when they feel stress, I knew she was feeling this from me. For I was moving so fast that everything was a blur, no time for enjoying the scenery.  For the day she siezured I had had the "best day" I accomplished all 25 things on my to do list, every rope tied down, every phone call made, yada yada, check, check, check. AND I was getting in bed exactly at 10pm which was my last goal. Not even 5 minutes after getting in bed she siezured.. Something I had not added to my list was Kiwi, and I'm sure she was not the only one around me feeling neglected. For there were a couple other eye opening events before the crash that made me realize I was missing out on the lives of the people I truly loved and the essentials around me were falling apart.


This is sweet Kiwi, she came to me in my time of need four years ago. She is a stray from Mexico and I adopted her. She has such a beautiful personality and exudes love, acceptance and peace. She is one of my greatest blessings.

 So the juice about yesterday, I realize that the reason I work so hard towards things, at such a rapid almost frantic desperate rate is because of a lack of faith. Pushing so hard for what I wanted but not loving where I was at at the same time. I felt that if I didn't work so fast and hard that I would never reach my goal. Which would be terrible for me, for when I set something, say something and want something I do whatever it takes to get it. I had prayed for help from the Lord to reach these things but didn't even have the time to listen what the best most effective way would be. I acted in haste as if everything depended on me, leaving not much room for blessings, miracles and outside help. I think the Lord is trying to teach me to enjoy what is around me, steadily work towards my goals and they will come. Gosh patience sucks sometimes doesn't it! But it also kills the fear of it never happening. I just have to trust it will.

So are you a pessimistic optimist, like I found I am? That all things in the world are possible, but not necessarily that I will get it, even if I work so hard to reach it?  I found the key of why that is, it comes down to self worth. Countless occurrences filled my mind, of times I have let myself be used, justified when things hurt, misunderstood, stood by, lacked belief in myself, and justifying giving so much of myself with so little in return. It's painful to realize how bad I've treated myself by letting others mistreat me, and also neglecting myself too. I can't do this anymore, my heart wont have it. So in my learning yesterday I learned this concept: If you believe you are worth the blessing, then you can receive it. "21. Jesus answered and said unto them, Verily I say unto you, If ye have faith, and doubt not, ye shall not only do this which is done to the fig tree, but also if ye shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; it shall be done. 22. And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive." Mathew 21:21-22. I believe that I have pushed off a lot of blessings, love of God and others, and missed out on countless beauty. This because of my misbelief and misunderstanding of worth. Lets just say I cried A LOT yesterday, my eyes are still nice and puffy this morning, but I am grateful I learned why what I wanted, what I pleaded for, wasn't manifesting, wasn't showing up. So I will steadily work towards learning what my true worth is and what that means, for I want to be as full, real and beautiful as my daddy in Heaven made me.

Words of the day: You are worth it

Challenge: What can you change in your life to show yourself you are worth it? How can you raise your own level of self respect and honor towards yourself. Prayer would probably help with this. ;)

Cleansing process! :)

Let me introduce Rosa Dilworth into this beautiful mess. :) Rosa is one of the best friends I've ever had, she is kick it, she is hilarious, rowdy, deep, and we have a blast together. We love hiking and exploring, spending time with German men... Sharing EVERYTHING and loving life together. I don't know what I would do without her. We both are parting paths on February 29th and starting new adventures, I'm off to Europe and she off to Idaho to live with family for a while to save money because she too is coming to Europe, Germany specifically, in the summer time. SO we will continue our journey of life together as we meet up there. She is a rad chick and knows how to have a good time and loves God and I love her. :)

As I am packing up, cleansing my area and belongings, I realize that this chapter really is closing. I think it means more than I have been thinking, it has a deeper meaning than just leaving. I am leaving an old me behind, old infulences, friends and mindsets. As Rosa and I are deciding what items are most important we realize that not only are we cleansing physically, but mental and emotionally too. I realize that my next step after Europe could be brand new. Who am I going to become while I am there, how will I grow?

I have had this happen to me once before, this process of complete removal from my area and influence. This is when my life transformed from a drug addict and alcholic, when my life was a mess and i was so unhappy, to changing complete habits, connecting with people with different standards and learning to love my life. God completely took over and made me new. And here I am today, Happy, successful and living my dreams. So, I'm interested in where this new process takes me and where I end up. I am grateful for change. :)

I have the best relationships I could ever ask for, and they continue to get better and better with time. I am learning how to honor, how to truly love and how to laugh hysterically about the beauty of life. What a blessing, people are the best part of this world.

Word of the day: Serenity

Challenge: Throw out something you never use. (Or better yet, get a bag of stuff and donate it to a thrift store!) If a bag of stuff seems to much, just throw out ONE thing. You'll be surprised how liberalting it is and you'll wanna do it more! TRUST ME!

This is just the beginning! We have 3 full bags of clothes we are donating, plus we have a huge bag of things to throw away! This is just from our closet! We are SERIOUSLY cleaning house of who we've been and leaving the past behind, we are so excited for our journey!!

This is what Rosa and I did today! Taking down another step in moving, we'll be living out of boxes/suitcases for a couple weeks. :)

Elephant tracks

It really is just about loving people.

Word of the moment: Sizzle

Challenge: Hold your breathe for 23 seconds

Clutter

Changing pace, following dreams and living your life does not always come without sacrifice. As I take down decorations from my walls, reality is setting in that this chapter is almost over, closing shop. We may never know what new things lie around the corner, for stepping into the unknown means an entire new set of possibilities.

In packing, it is taking thought of what truely is important or not. If I were to create a new life, what is most important to be to have with me. Will it be a picture? Will it be an item of clothing or a certain song that makes me feel at home. Has my efforts to make home inside of me been worth it?

Surrounded by things, what am I connected to? Am I connected to the souls of those around me or am i connected to book, a car, a decorative picture, what material thing? What has meaning to me?

Word of the day: Deep

Challenge: Make silence a priority

Rock the balance

I'm really starting to wonder, what is real, what is truth? Standards and expectations set so high and we're presented with a certain way of living but what is really true. This has brought a lot of thought, for just last week I was running around being the busiest, yet most productive I've ever been, but after my Dog siezured, I didn't have time for a family member and my life around me was falling apart, which ended in a mere neverous breakdown. Which royally sucks btw. I realized I keep chasing this things that are "bigger and better". Yet the things that are most important to me are being neglected. I want to live my life The simple way and enjoy every moment but society makes us think that we have to be so busy to be happy and I don't believe that is true. For you can find a very simple man and He be happy and grateful for his life and the busy "successful" person and they are on antidepressants, don't know any of their 3 children and are completely unhappy. There has to be a balance. I desire to have the resources I need and desire, and I'm willing to work for it. But there has to be a simpler way to live, there has to be a way to make an income by doing what I love. There has to be a way.. What does success mean to you? I am still trying to figure out what success specifically means to me too.

Moving to Spain is going to be one of the best experiences of my life. I feel like I'm going to be able to really learn and know what's real. My friend Teddy Nixon and I are looking into doing a pilgramage while we are there, called "Camino de Santiago". You can start pretty much anywhere in northern France or Spain and walk all the way to Spain's western coast. It's over a thousand years old and it is a religious pilgrimage for most. Where you walk for days and days, and pretty much can explore on your own time. Gosh, I am amazed by how amazing it sounds. I am excited to step into a new culture of travelers. I beleive I will learn a more simple life, as I am traveling very light and am choosing to spend very little money. I have always wanted to live this way, and now I am acheiving my dreams and doing it. :) To live as a gypsy: a person held to resemble a gypsy, especially in physical characteristics or in a traditionally ascribed freedom or inclination to move from place to place. (dictionary.com) It blows my mind that this is truly possible..

Challenge #1: Do you know what's important? I challenge you to truly thing what is important to you, then evaluate if you feel you are giving your prioritys enough time and change what you need to. Your pirorities need to be what you truly want, to be happy. :)

Challenge #2: STOP BEING SO SERIOUS. Find humor in your life and trials and laugh more. Life is to be enjoyed. (I only say this for I am trying to learn how to enjoy life again, let's do this together? :) )

Word of the day: Hambone

Peace and Love! <3

Keep going!

A couple nights ago some people were talking, and a statement really stood out to me. "People usually get lost in the transition phase." This really got me thinking. For we set these goals, and we set them high, we work and work and work, and when we don't reach them when we think we should, some of us back out. I have been feeling this a little bit, I am constantly working towards my goals but after a while I've been like, "Ok, and the end result when?" You can't help but wish things would come faster, yet the learning along the way is most important, so it should be worth it right? I guess it's just the way you look at it. 

I realized that my vision was off focus too. If you loose track of why you're doing what you're doing the hard work isn't as worth it as before and you might want to cave. SO! My vision is being restored again and I am back on track, not that i wasn't working towards my goals. But i wasn't doing it the most efficient way, with the right heart and right attitude, in joy. I had forgotten that each day I strive to have passion, fire and love included. My goal is to enjoy each moment I'm given and make the most of it. 

I've been uptight lately, probably the last couple years actually, and I'm starting to let loose and be free again. I feel this is preparing me for the freedom in Spain and Europe. I keep having this vision in my mind of running towards a beach in Europe, the sun is hot but the breeze is cool, the sand is soft and clean. I am running with a man I have met, laughing hysterically with glee as we are throwing off excess clothing, marking our path in the sand. Then breaking into the cool sea, crashing against the first wave, as the water splashes up onto our faces, we thank God for such beauty...... Um, freedom? I wish i could portray the release and art of letting go that comes with such a vision and activity. Just every moment, in the moment. Every step, worth it. I have lived like this before but I had forgotten, so i must relearn some skills in being free. Sharpen my saw for who I am, that I may pierce the hearts of many but my love, passion and zeal for life.  Plus now I can take the new things I have learned the past 3-4 years and apply them to my lifestyle of being free. I have missed you sweet freedom.

Much Love!

Challenge: Push your comfort zones, do something you are scared of like:

1. Dance ferociously in a supermarket where at least 20 people are watching. 

2. Laugh hysterically out loud in a bank.

3. Wear clothes that don't match at all and wear it proud.

4. Plan a trip somewhere that seems so un-logical you feel you might burst.

5. Prank call your boss

The sooner you start facing the fears of what people think of you, the closer you are to freedom!

Word of the day: Oatmeal